A Tree Fell in the Forest, That’s Why Mayor Maughan is Now Mayor Elsewhere

This morning’s special City Council session was in a word, unsatisfying. But before we tell you that story, we have to tell you this story.

Traffic has hit the skids over what is both a literal and figurative logjam, and we are of course referring to the downed trees blocking the Bombs Away trail in Mac Forest.

“There I was taking my normal morning walk, when all of a sudden I realized I had run into a super big downed tree, and not the kind you can just walk over,” said North Corvallis resident Meeka Special. “Okay, wait, I didn’t mean I actually ran into the tree, I more encountered it, and had to figure out what to do, which was confusing, because there wasn’t a sign telling me what to do.”

This all happened on Wednesday, Feb. 4, and what Special did next is what any Corvallisite would have done. She turned around and went home… and with each step toward her house… she grew… increasingly… righteously… INDIGNANT.

And in Corvallis, that can mean only one thing, a trip to the City’s Council’s chambers for the public comment period.

What came next was cruel. Special was forced to give her well planned seven-minute comment in the same three minutes as everyone else. And then came the questions.

Ward 8 Councilor Carolyn Mayers asked Special, “Could you have just walked around the tree?”

Special became indignant, saying, “That is not the point, there were no signs, and there should be signs. But even more than that, trees shouldn’t fall down on OUR trails. I count on this trail always being the same, I’m a taxpayer.”

And then, the worst indignity. City Manager Mark Shepard in a calm and bureaucratic tone did a presto-change-o thing-y telling anyone that would listen, “Um, that part of Mac Forest is outside the City limits, so we don’t have jurisdiction, and even if we did, the land is owned by Oregon State University, so it’s up to them.”

Ward 2 Councilor Briae Lewis, however, noted the bulk of the university’s classes take place on a campus within the City limits. And by now, you already know where this is going. Lewis moved for the City Attorney to come back with a proposal closing down Oregon State University until such time as the trail is cleared. Ward 9 Councilor Tony Cadena said, “What the hell, why not, I second.”

At this point, Mayor Charles Maughan quietly prayed Jeebus under his breath, and the Council voted hallelujah. But that was more than a week ago, and this morning’s report from the City Attorney was, like we said, unsatisfying.

According to the lawyers, Shepard was right, nothing can be done legally. At press time, President Trump had not responded to calls for ways to act extra-legally.

So now we slow down.

We arrive at this morning’s Council meeting, where Ward 1 Councilor Jan Napack observed, “A tree fell in the forest with no one to hear it fall.”

But then Special interrupted, saying, “Oh, you’ll be hearing it.” And then, as if on cue, sixteen demographically normative gray haired Corvallisites arose in silent protest, each wearing Patagonia puffy vests of either dark blue or green; the men, as required by City ordinance, sporting white beards.

And with the audience now standing in standard rocklike protest pose, Special continued, “I am here to present this petition demanding that Council declare eminent domain, and then clear the trail, it is signed by over 500 concerned Corvallis residents.”

Overcome by it all, Maughan took on a desperate withdrawn shock of a countenance, mumbling a garbled, “Jeebus, oh Jeebus.”

Adult Protective Services swooped in, moving Maughan to a foster mayorship in an undisclosed and less petition-y community. As Maughan was led out of the City Council’s chambers, flanked by empathetic social workers on either side lending their consoling arms to his shoulders, Ward 3 Councilor Jim Moorefield suggested he might call OSU’s College of Forestry, saying, “Usually, if you just call or email them, they’ll send some forestry students to clear the trail within a few days.”

By April Poole, special downed tree correspondent. Warning, this story was an entirely made-up attempt at satire. We herein legally apologize. No actual news was harmed in the making of this story.